Monday, July 18, 2011

Flightless

" You asked for those did you not? And now you're afraid of them? For what then have I given them to you? Let me take them back..."

These words rang through my mind as I recall the scene at the heavens, my tears blurring up everything. At that moment, all I could do was cry, apologize, and cry some more.

He was mad. Very mad, to say the least.

I got to leave with my wings still in-tacked though, He was gracious enough.

It's been weeks (or was it just days?) since that eventful day. Yet, now, I can feel the same anguish I felt back then. Only maybe now, anguish and sorrow may not be the only ones lingering within me.

Back then, I felt helpless, shamed at my ignorance, and sorry for my short comings. I was wrong. Now? I'm not just wrong. I'm devastated.

How would a free dove feel when chained down? That's how I feel. Ever wondered how stupid flies feel when they keep getting trapped into the same web? Well, I can tell you.

I did get to keep my wings, I did get to retain my sight. But something else is the matter... and He knows it too.

He's patient, too patient as always, especially with me. Yet somehow, I can feel His angry breath puffing in front of me as I recall how He scolded me. I can feel them on my nape, as I realize I'm turning back out of shame and regret.

Soon enough, the puffs feel cooler; not because He was getting calmer, but because I myself was heating up. Rage and anger, who knew these two were different, started swelling up within me. Was I mad at Him? DEFINITELY NOT! If only I could kill myself, then I would. Somehow, I wanna go up to Him and say, "Hey! Do You have any idea how much more I'm mad at myself now than You are?!"

*sigh*

But I know what He'll say, "Is there anything, anything at all, that I don't know?"
Then I'll burst into a stupid but-you-don't-understand fit only to be silenced by my own knowledge of His knowledge.

I walked away. Not too far, just a few steps down the hall.

I knew He was not coming after me this time, He will not come and comfort me like a baby. He's wanting me to grow, that much I understand. He won't come down here and give me that you-know-I'm-doing-this-because-I-love-you speech. He knows I know that full well.

I stood there. Muttering to myself. I didn't really understand what I was saying, all I know is that if I keep this locked up in me, I'd choke and die.

"Too many times, Ivan, too many times! How many more times do you plan on committing that same stupidity?!"

and then it all faded...

***
How long will you keep wearing the same chains I took off, two-thousand years ago?
– Deus, Deus vester