430Php

That is the exact amount I squandered on feeding my delusion, yes, feeding my delusion.

Apparently, its not as though I'm in the dark when it comes to me being deluded and crowded by my own desires (as heavy as the word "desire" is, I have to admit, it's appropriate); I'm not crazy (in the medical sense of the word) so as to not know when I already am rationalizing things which are usually unreasonable for me.

So here it is, one of the tangible evidences of my... hmmm... how do I put it... Obsession? (Something like that I guess...) I bought a CD for 430Php, when I think about it, its not that much for an original album, considering the fact that its not of local origins... But hey, as I have been tattling about awhile ago, I know when something I'm doing is already somehow.. "off." Its not wrong, just off.

For someone always complaining about lacking enough spending money, buying something that's not a necessity is so out of line...

Well, enough about all that... Bottom line actually is the fact that, I'm again obsessed with "something." Obsessed is such a strong word, but I'm lacking the correct term... All I know is that I'm wanting something, and am starting to border between delusional and medically insane.(Hah! I wish!) Maybe that's it, I'm delusional. Hence? Buying that CD was obviously ME spoiling myself, and in a way, pushing myself into something I'm clearly supposed to veer away from.

I can of course justify buying it, and mind you, my reasons for justifying are by no means "forced rationality" (if there is such a term), but again, (argh, why am I SO redundant?!) I know that no matter how justified it may be... it just isn't right on SO many levels.

BUT HEY!

I LOVE BEING DELUSIONAL! =)) And I mean it~ =)

Sadly though, I'm not "completely" delusional... I can still sense reality, I can't close my eyes totally... Soon though, soon.

I guess this is basically an episode of the "prodigal saint" being prodigal and trying to come back again ;p

On the issue of it being wrong... Well, its still something He and I are talking about; or better yet, its still something I'm waiting for Him to clarify~ =)

The Great Lack

It the end, great silence speaks a whole lot.

Deception [ The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock]

As much as I hate to admit it... I have always (and would probably always be) been fooling myself for the past seventeen years of my existence. Yes, I have.

Too much frustration, somehow makes me feel way over my years, have been a constant company.

Things done which never seemed to make any sense, but I still am trying to not regret.

Saw things, heard things, read things, which I believed, and am still trying and wanting to believe.

Said things, written things, which never meant anything... At least I think they never did.

"Intellectual Paralysis" - Maybe I have this... Maybe I'm too much of a thinker that nothing seems to be conceived out of me but visions; visions after visions that never amount to anything.

I know things, I will things... But have I acted on them? *chuckles*

****

T.S. Eliot (1888–1965). Prufrock and Other Observations. 1917.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse A persona che mai tornasse al mondo, Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero, Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo. LET us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a patient etherised upon a table; Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, The muttering retreats 5 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: Streets that follow like a tedious argument Of insidious intent To lead you to an overwhelming question … 10 Oh, do not ask, “What is it?” Let us go and make our visit. In the room the women come and go Talking of Michelangelo. The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, 15 The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening, Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains, Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys, Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, 20 And seeing that it was a soft October night, Curled once about the house, and fell asleep. And indeed there will be time For the yellow smoke that slides along the street, Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; 25 There will be time, there will be time To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; There will be time to murder and create, And time for all the works and days of hands That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30 Time for you and time for me, And time yet for a hundred indecisions, And for a hundred visions and revisions, Before the taking of a toast and tea. In the room the women come and go 35 Talking of Michelangelo. And indeed there will be time To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?” Time to turn back and descend the stair, With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— 40 [They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”] My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin— [They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”] Do I dare 45 Disturb the universe? In a minute there is time For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. For I have known them all already, known them all:— Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, 50 I have measured out my life with coffee spoons; I know the voices dying with a dying fall Beneath the music from a farther room. So how should I presume? And I have known the eyes already, known them all— 55 The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase, And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, Then how should I begin To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? 60 And how should I presume? And I have known the arms already, known them all— Arms that are braceleted and white and bare [But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!] It is perfume from a dress 65 That makes me so digress? Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl. And should I then presume? And how should I begin? . . . . . Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets 70 And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?… I should have been a pair of ragged claws Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . . And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! 75 Smoothed by long fingers, Asleep … tired … or it malingers, Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me. Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? 80 But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed, Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter, I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter; I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, 85 And in short, I was afraid. And would it have been worth it, after all, After the cups, the marmalade, the tea, Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, Would it have been worth while, 90 To have bitten off the matter with a smile, To have squeezed the universe into a ball To roll it toward some overwhelming question, To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead, Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”— 95 If one, settling a pillow by her head, Should say: “That is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all.” And would it have been worth it, after all, Would it have been worth while, 100 After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets, After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor— And this, and so much more?— It is impossible to say just what I mean! But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: 105 Would it have been worth while If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl, And turning toward the window, should say: “That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all.” . . . . . 110 No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; Am an attendant lord, one that will do To swell a progress, start a scene or two, Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, Deferential, glad to be of use, 115 Politic, cautious, and meticulous; Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; At times, indeed, almost ridiculous— Almost, at times, the Fool. I grow old … I grow old … 120 I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me. 125 I have seen them riding seaward on the waves Combing the white hair of the waves blown back When the wind blows the water white and black. We have lingered in the chambers of the sea By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130 Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

****
It's just so hard to stay in a position where you can't go back to not having noticed things... So hard...

Crazy

What a frantic day... >.<

Woke up just in the nick of time to make it to my first Math exam in The University of The Philippines... Exam, went well... At least I believe it did. After that, chaos jumped in.

Too much?

Too much...

time?
Too much time has passed since I blogged and actually wrote something that I felt like writing about. Sure, I have written quite a lot these past quarter or so, how can I not have? I'm in college. Too much time to kill? Probably so, it feels like I have a whole lifetime to just squander on everything, but then at the same time, its as though that lifetime ends every moment.

pain?
Well, on the topic of pain, I'm not really sure what to say. I probably am in pain, it could be that its too much already that I'm beginning to be stoic and quite indifferent to it. Or, I probably have taken in too much of it already that I need to start writing again... Honestly? I have no idea.

pressure?
As much as I want to be true to what I believe in, that pressure (along with a dozen other things) is just a matter of perception, it could be there or not, and it would just be up to you to be affected either way. But I would also be lying if I say that pressure is not a problem I'm parrying with. Pressure most likely brought upon me by none other than myself, no one hates me more than myself, as much as no one loves me more than myself (excluding God of course, I'm speaking of this world).

to think about?
I guess after weighing everything, it all boils down to just me thinking too much... Or am I... I feel bored, tired, stressed, and a whole lot more. My life seems to be satisfactory and trashy both at the same time. Its as though I have big plans, a future, dreams, and stuff like that... Yet at the same time, it feels like there's nowhere else to go to from here. It feels like I'm doing a wide array of stuff yet feels like everyday is monotonous. Somehow I see improvements, but then again, they seem to be trivial and even imaginary... I don't know... Maybe I AM thinking too much.

to still do...
As much as I hate to admit it, I have a reality to go back to...One that bounds me to things which I like yet at the same time feel bonded to...

blabber?
I'm not making anymore sense now am I? Its starting to sound too much like a ranting rascal, trash talk if you will...

I guess this means its time to end this post...

Lift Up?

Okay, so ever had this feeling of just wanting something too much that it already hurts?
Yeah, it sounds like something out of a cheesy movie or something... But its just so hard to actually know how it feels...

So maybe it isn't pain, but gets?

There's this "bothered" feeling that you just can't shake off...

Its TOO DAMN ANNOYING!

Its already been a long time since things transpired between us, things didn't end well, but they weren't that bad... or were they?

Its complicated, and it really is... I never actually thought I'd get the concept of what "complicated" is, until I realized that I WAS in a complicated (oh, I mean... I AM in) situation...

Things are actually quite civil, but then something just yells inside me that just won't stop!

"I DON'T WANT IT!"

Technically, I'm not supposed to feel any kind of loss...

But SH*T!!!

I feel like I have lost a hell of a LOT!

I guess this is the point where hopelessness jumps into the picture huh?!

A state where I know that I can't do anything...

Actually, I have also been thinking...

Are things really messed up? Or am I just making them be?

Is it a matter of perception?

I mean, relatively speaking, something is only as messed up as how one sees it to be...

Or am I just trying to be smart?

Something just keeps nagging me that its all ME... I'm just making problems for myself...

I DON'T KNOW!

I so DAMNED DON'T!



ARGH!


Okay, so I am no longer making any sense... I just have to write about it...

I mean, I don't know, I just don't...

I hate the feeling that I don't know what to do anymore...


Maybe this is why I am a Christian...

GOD has always been a form of escape for me, I'm an escapist, I admit that.

Maybe it's because of people like me who cling onto my faith as something to get me through, as a form of comfort, as a form of escape... that people perceive Christianity to be a form of "pleasure faith." A form of letting go, to just hold someone else accountable for the sh*t that keeps happening. Probably people don't like religion in general because they see it as a form of stupidity... Where one chooses to just leave things to someone greater... An excuse to justify them just letting stuff go and leaving things be... Basically a cowardly and lazy excuse...

I don't know...

But whatever it is, I am not letting go of my faith...

Its in times like these that I cling HARD onto His cross....

Back to the topic... Maybe I am to do just what my friend did...

Lift things up to Him...

After all, I am HIS...

No more...

My world revolved around you guys before...

You kept me safe, (at least at the VERY LEAST), that I'll give you.

You guys remained as my blanket for like what... a year or so?

Sadly though, the rains came...

The blanket wasn't there...

And I realized... The blanket isn't the only thing that keeps me warm though the storm...

I found out, there are ALWAYS some more stuffs out there...

I learned how to cope without you...

No more, no more blankets...

Eternal Nights - Dawn at Midnight