42 0... Again after what... 1? 2 years?

So okay, I'm not supposed to be doing this, but... I don't know what else to do! I need to get my mind off things.

Here I am again, procrastinating.

I have a literature project due last(?) week, and I have to pass it tomorrow.

Tired, yes, too tired actually.

I need to make a revised edition of the fairytale "Cinderella," I'm doing well, I think, but its just that... I am either too tired or too lazy... I can't write!!!

So why am I writing here instead of in MS Word?
Why am I creating a post and not doing my project?

Simple...

=======+++========

I 301 0391...

I don't know.

I 601 2 67 1 10 922 515 1 11 0412 9402...

I went on and...

671 0 9484,

75201 1 0 810,

and then...

41 a 901 8 0.

I did not really...

72 212,

24 11 1 59 2 2

I just

9 11 2 1...

God would...

7421 3 1 8 52 92 12 84~

=======+++========

Whew, that was hard! =)
I just needed to let it out, for me to have one less worry in mind~ =)

PS
To those who would be able to decipher the text, please, don't post it for public viewing. Thanks~

(Posted supposedly... last last week? or even earlier~ haha)

SHUT IT

If there's one thing I hate?? It would be when I get to be accused of something I have not done!

Isn't it just SO annoying? For people to come up to you and say...

"Hey, you did it again, you haven't overcome that sin of yours... etc etc etc" in sarcastic ways!

Well, fine! You're concern, I get it!

But hey! You don't sound concern about me! So sound alarmed!

And besides, beneath that "line" its quite obvious that you have that mistrust! So please?

QUIT IT!

I know when I do something wrong... I mean HELLO?! I am a Christian after all ain't I? So duhh... I get "promptings" from the Holy Spirit... So... GET IT??

Sorry, I guess.... But I really hope you'd understand...

*Sigh*

I know I know, getting angry wouldn't really do anything... and I guess, maybe I don't have the right to...

**Just needed to let it out.... Hope you'd understand~**

Happy?

Well, uhm.. today a pastor from Taiwan came and spoke. He was speaking on happiness, and well... it was quite timely.

I have been, and probably still am, looking for a person/s who would really care for me. Not that my friends and family aren't enough... but... I don't know. All I know is just I "need" it.

The Taiwanese pastor basically was telling us that the only way to be happy is to...

1. learn to love others

and

2. be loved...

Loving others and caring for others is easy... (or probably because I can fake it, whatever)
but the second condition for happiness is quite hard to obtain.

Today a LOT happened, (I would really love to write them all down, but I believe certain people would get offended), and they aren't really good.

So in short? I felt down... almost the entire day.

Now who could I talk to? Who would care to listen? I tried to tell others, but no one seemed to care... I know, not everyone is as "martyr" as me, that would really extend to great lengths just to help and/or be there for someone...

And I forgot... I was supposed to be "self sufficient"...
I AM supposed to be... to be... to be someone, probably someone I am not.

Fine. I know this post would most likely raise a lot of questions, and some people out there would probably be offended, and many many more.

But hey~ I am not doing this to please anyone~

You no fooling me...

I may be numb... but not THAT numb to not notice that something has changed.

Honestly? I don't really know if it's for the better or otherwise...

Then again... I may just be over reacting. =.=

Things have changed... they have... thay have...

I left tonight (Aug. 22, 2008) without notice... Since I'm really looking forward to fixing things on Sunday... (Or probably on Saturday... but nonetheless, you know what I mean) I don't want any of my rash actions, words or implications ruin the chances of reconciliation and amelioration.

I doubt if you'd be able to read this tonight... I really hope that you won't be able to...

Hopefully you get to read this, after I tell you about it... Which is either Saturday or Sunday.

Sorry, if ever you've read this tonight, I apologize... :'(

Autumn Frost 2

I guess my wings aren't strong enough to bridge the gap between us.

My strength too feeble to soar higher, faster.

I guess you're just too high for me to reach.

Even as I try to fly towards you.

You constantly drift away.

Why?

Why Freeze?

It really hurts doesn't it? To remember past failures, heartaches, and most especially disappointments.

It hurts, the wound burns. But what can I do? I don't have control over God right?


*sigh

I don't think there would be any use... would there? To dwell in pain.

Currently I am helping a friend with her problems, a job description that has long been part of my resume but as planned, it would soon not be. At least not as in-depth as I do now.

When June comes, 'they' shouldn't know me no more. I'd be someone they'd never expect I can be. That means having to learn to hide emotions, especially pain, much much more efficiently.



By then, I have to really be "frozen".

'broken wings'

Lost in a world of feelings,
confused as to which is his.

Melodies, harmonies, dissonances,
flow through his river of thoughts.

Plain music, no words, no lyrics, no meaning.

Work, that he knows he has to do.

But strength he looked, yet did not find.

Loneliness blocks his senses, leaving his hearing functional.

He stares blankly through the shadows.

Scents, odorless scents fill his nostrils.

His heart beats, slowly, accelerates to a great allegro.

Then drops to a sudden andante.

The cycle continues.

He waits, in naught for his dawn.

A new breeze to set him off.

A gentle gale to carry him.

Despite the hopelessness,
of his 'broken wings'

AMGB[Part II]

*Sigh*
I thought I was FINALLY over it...
This morning I thought I'm finally fine...
Sadly...
NOW...
It's back...
It haunts me again...
This feeling taunts me!!
I'm so SAD...
Yes... sad...
and I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY...
DARN!!
This music that plays behind me...
SH*T!!
It saddens me more...
My heart...
My mind...
I can't control it!!!!
Even my arms and my hands are shivering...
I am but at the mercy of my ever so weird emotions...
It HURTS inside...
And I don't know why!!
I feel...
down...
depressed...
annoyed...
excited...
Yes, I'm excited for some reasons!!
It bugs me!!
Constantly!!
Thus uncertainty within me...
What can I do??

Aug./17/2007 {7:49pm}

A Man’s Gravest Battle

Sadly... Am so depressed yet I am but clueless of the reason...

Human I remain to be

And thus LIMITATIONS are inevitable...

But I struggle... Hard if I must say so myself...

Looks like it's not enough though...

Right now, my feebleness I can clearly see...

It's a part of me I can't lose, a part I can't remove...

I sit here, helpless...

Today seems so wrong...

I have no idea why, but it does,

I want to escape...

To go far...

But there's no place for running away...

My chest feels like led....

I feel like am continuously crying....

Both inside and out...

I tried...

But my mind is stuck...

It's stuck in this hopeless situation...

I can't seem to dig it out...

My strength’s depleted...

My soul in anguish...

My mind, unstable...

What then should I do??

Where then should I go??

To whom shall I turn to??

The battle I now fight...

Is waged within...

Unseen...

Unknown...

Unfelt...

It remains to be...

It's a battle I fight...

Against something...

Or someone...

Who knows everything that remains to be unknown to me...

It's a siege...

An assault wherein I try my best to defend myself...

from...

MYSELF.........

sunday....

l*sigh*
Am now using my dad's laptop... my mom's currently using the PC...
Am having fast internet..yey!! But its quite hard having no mouse though....hehe

Well, today's a Sunday... and I skipped practice... a Lang Song Practice (its a kind of Chinese declamation) That's because I have decided to actually follow God's command... "to keep the Sabbath Day holy" Yup!! I will...

After church... I go to fellowship...and then...REST!! I don't even study on Sundays...hehe

Oh well, so much for that...

These past few days... diff. events just kept on happening..and they're not FUN....

I. TEDDY.....
Well, it started when I snatched a teddy bear of a certain friend of mine...
and oh well... to make the long story short... Somebody snatched it from me and hit me with it..and this certain friend of mine who owned that bear... exclaimed "Hampas mo na sa lahat..wag lang kay Ivan!! Kadiri!!" (Hit anybody else with it...just not Ivan!! Yuck!!) And it HURTS you know... It's like..yes I know at that time she might really have been mad...and I don't really have a reputation for MR.CLEAN... but...the fact that those words came from a friend ...who actually MEANT it.... OUCH!!!!

II.PARISH
(write this later ^_^)

waaaaaaaaah.. all of a sudden everything just went =poof=!!

I mean all these burdensome feelings about these tiny disputes and stuff like that in school... just can't stay in my heart no longer...

Maybe because it's too full already with "this" certain problem already....

*sigh*

GOD....help me....please???

this post actually seems to weird and all....but am just too FULL inside right now...heart too full....

Me?? or Them??

I'm at our school's ERC(electronic research center) today...

Well, my friend's doing something for our teacher and I felt bored...^_^

I just finished reading my other friend's blog and felt like writing my own...

Somewhat like mine, hers was also about things which hurt her... Things she can't speak verbally...

She was keeping so much pain within her... Her life's at a very dark point right now... And she feels like she's being punished for doing nothing wrong.... And honestly I don't think she did anything wrong...

Well, honestly... It hurts me a whole lot more...

Aside from the fact that I feel her pain (though she's actually very good at hiding it) it hurts SO much...!!!

The fact that she's in a very critical stage of her life right now AND I'M NOT PART OF IT....

I mean, I'm her bestfriend...or at least I believe I am so... And its hurt to just find out now about what she's going through!! Why?! I do understand that perhaps they(including all my other friends who are somewhat doing the same) don't look at me as that important as I think I am... and there might be stuff wherein they don't think I'm worthy enough to know... or to put it in simpler terms... maybe they have just found another person to take my place...

*sigh*

I understand...OF COURSE I DO.....

but....

It's painful...very painful....

Part of me knows that I should understand them... know that they're free to choose their friends...

but..

there's this part of me that feels that I'm being used?? That's not the term.. but I can't find any
word to describe this "being agrabiyado"... Yup that's the term... but I can't translate it to English...

Now I'm at a lost...

of words...

And i feel like am trapped in nothingness...at this very moment...

My friend(who was doing something for our teacher) just left... And I feel so alone...

Literally...

but moreover...

Figuratively....

What am I supposed to do??

BE an UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING FRIEND?? and sacrifice EVERYTHING??
or keep at least some for myself and make my stand???

Should I utter words like "Hey, it's not ALL about you...how about me??"

Or should I just maintain my silence??

Am so LOST!!!

I don't know what to do right now...

*deep...deep...sigh*

I guess I'll just have to be happy with the amount of importance they give me... Yes, it does sound stupid but that's what I believe should be done... What are friends for?? And how can I expect them to be good friends towards me if I myself am not??

Argh... It's TOO CLICHE, yet that's what I really feel...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It's almost time... My time in this ERC is just about up...

But even if it was not.. I would be stopping here nonetheless... I feel so redundant already...

All I can do now...is to lift EVERYTHING up to GOD... And let HIM take care of it...

^_^


waahhh...hehe I din't notice..oops..I guess I overdid it...this post got too long...didn't it?? Ü sorry for the inconvenience

"boku wa hontoni baka deshou...."

I feel so STUPID!!!!

I actually cant control myself...

I promised God to not continue sinning this certain sin... and even asked Him for something in exchange for not doing it...somewhat like an incentive...

Yet this stupid of a guy, me, actually sinned...AGAIN...

Argh!! And I call myself a Christian... A follower of Christ... And I'm like this?!?

Yes I know am still in the process of being changed ...but... that's not an excuse!!

I DELIBERATELY.. disobeyed Him...

I really feel so STUPID!!

I really wanted this certain stuff that I asked Him for exchange.. and now... How on earth am I supposed to get it??

*note: this certain thing is something that only God can provide in an instant..its something that man can't achieve on his own....effectually?? or at least not quickly*

Not to mention the fact that I can actually see Him trying to interfere so as for me to not fall into sin again... but stupid me... I deliberately waited for the time wherein God left a loop hole for me practice SELF-DISCIPLINE and yet I WASTED IT!!!!!!

. . . . . . .

WHY?!?

Why was I born a man??

I mean, MAN was born with a sinful nature to start with...

Also, MAN is VERY PRONE to stumble and fall into sin..

A MAN...

which God gave a choice... whether to sin or not...
and gave us the power to choose....


I really hope God would be gracious enough... I mean hopefully He'll still grant me my wish...
I really hope so...

And for those of you out there who are Christians like me...

plsssss... pray for me so as for me to not stumble into sin again...

I always try and tell my friends to do what's right... yet I myself am doing the wrong thing...

I need your prayers!!

PLs?? Thanks in advance!!Ü

As for now... Am really sleepy and tired... today wasn't actually that good a day...

1) I had a disagreement with a friend.
2) Am SO confused on who my real friends are!
3)etc...

So basically... I now plan on sleeping..heheÜ

P.S
I have really been a very IMBECILE and STUBBORN sheep in God's
flock... But I know He'll still forgive me... I just hope I'll learn my lesson
before I fall of a cliff and injure myself... And before God uses His rod to
smite me just for me to listen... To everyone out there, I just want to inform
you that you can NEVER be bad enough for God to save... but don't sin
deliberately...

P.P.S
All I want now is for God to forgive the fact that I broke my
promise...
And hopefully HE would
still grant me my
wish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x_X


when I said "MAN" there... I meant human...Ü no misconceptions please...hehe tnx^_^

*sLePpY....*

waaaah...

I really have so much to write about today... I mean I usually write when depressed and today couldn't be MORE DEPRESSING....

But sad to say... I got too carried away reading Mondie-hya's blog and chatting that my eyes now are TIRED...
VERY TIRED....

I actually don't understand why, usually I could stay for at least 5hrs. in front of the computer...but anyways am also really sleepy...

And yeah..
Just wanna thank Mondie, Auds, Chiz, and Roxy today... they actually brightened up my day...

I guess the reason I can't write anymore bout how heavy I've felt a while a go could possibly be because my mood actually got lighter thanks to the two names mentioned above...

@mOnDiE
=tnx for everything...tnx dn for reminding me through your blog entries how great and mysterious our God is and how much you've done for me...THANKS!!!!!
=and yeah, it was FUN, as in pure F.U.N reading your blog...heheü

@aUdReY
=tnx for what you did a while a go...especially the "gesture" you did before leaving me there.... IT MEANT A LOT!!!! thanks

@rOxY
=thanks for understanding my wrong doings...especially for forgiving me despite what I did to you in English class...(sorry...)
=also thanks for lending me your iPod a while a go... it helped more than you knew it possibly could...

@cH!z
=tnx for understanding... and sorry din ah...ü
=I REALLY appreciate your apology...IT MEANT A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!ü
THANKS AGAIN TO ALL OF YOU^

bUt aBoVe AlL i wOuLd lIkE tO tHaNk GOD...

for giving me these people just in time when I needed them...and for always being there for me...ü

anger?? or pity??

I have no idea whether am just angry at "him" or I'm really feeling sorry for our teacher.

Yes, I know she IS kind of boring... even I'm trying my hardest not to doze off...but the thing is,

I really am having pity on her.

She's doing her best to impart a vast amount of knowledge towards us, its just that we REALLY are getting sleepy...

I guess its also due to the time, I mean its already in the afternoon and every one's quite tired thus its easy for them/us to feel VERY SLEEPY..

But for me I guess its due to the fact that she's explaining the basics w/c am fairly familiar with thus I don't quite feel like I need to actually pay that much attention..

Making fun of her though...IS SO NOT RIGHT!!!!!!!!

It's just SO annoying how is it possible for "him" to not respect nor appreciate our teacher, even the 'repeaters' are actually (surprisingly) listening! *or at least hearing her and not making fun of her; or perhaps they're asleep*

And "he" claims to be a Christian....

But actually, yes, in this aspect "he" loses, but the thing is....

ugh....

YES, I'm quite clear that even I ain't perfect...

Maybe, the lesson here would be that...

I have to live a 'blameless' or at least 'TRY' to live a blameless life, to finally be able to have a little more right to correct and judge...

Its wrong though....hehe ^_^

I guess from now on, I have to set an example for "him" and for everyone else to respect and appreciate our teacher's as Christians like us would do...

May God be my Guide....ü

[am really sleepy though...*yawn*....]

*sigh* hehe, God is REALLY GOOD!!!!ü

haaaay...

another new day...actually its kind of like a new week for me...



this day wasn't as special as i thought until...


well it was about a few minute ago....

i went online and chatted with some friends... and again...had some of the re-curring events

1) having a HARD time convincing my friend bout God
2) saw KINDNESS again and kind of found acceptance...hehe ü

well, the most impacting was Mondie's Blog
(if you're curious here it is... check episodes 10-11-12??)
[http://mondies.blogspot.com/]

well, if you've checked it, you'll see how bad he made me seem...but at least...thanks to that bad 'potraition'...

he made me realize how patient he had been...

and how God has been also..ü

well, *yawns* am sleepy.... and my parents are FORCING me to stop and sleep...oh well better obey then...ü

*for details on why it was a new week for me....wait for the next entry(s)...heheü*

Why??....Again I ask...

Its very hard to be contradicted, especially if you know you're right.

As for me?? Am not just contradicted, but also contradicted in a very undiplomatic way... It's so annoying how they just keep insisting that they're right without even listening to you nor giving valid reasons for their side of the argument!! VERY IRRITATING INDEED!! But the worst part is that...for some unknown reason...am hurt... x_X Why am I so sensitive?? Why do I feel this way in the first place??

Argh... I guess, I really have changed... an am just so unconscious of it... but...why????

Suddenly, for the first time in my life... I can conclude..that I really don't know who I am anymore.... I thought am like "this" but I turned out to be "that"....

These days...
There are times wherein I take stands for myself... fight for this and that...
But there are also these times wherein I'm just TOO DARN FEEBLE!!
Why?? What's happening to me???

Damn it... I can't find any answers... all I've been doing is asking why...why...why...

Yes, I know VERY CLEARLY that God has something special for me...just for me... but why can;t He reveal it a bit sooner?? I mean am now trapped in confusion, pain, most of all...nothingness.... why???

Guess it all boils down to me and God.... I guess I do have to set an appointment with Him for a one-on-one chat...*sigh* I just hope, it won't be too late...


And yeah...
I would like to thank SOME people who have been REALLY GREAT to me specially in this critical point in my life...

Atsi Chloe
My friends...
Janel Ng, Rachelle Fabico, Monique Gaw, Paula Ocampo, and Leah Ang
....and to those -people who have caused me these pains...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

for if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have found out who my real friends were and that I'm feeble without God...tnx!!

WHY?! WHY?! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As far as the vastness of the skies reach, there my dreams extend...sadly though... as dreams they might stay forever....

As far as those dreams are... that far my heart is...again...from me...SH*T!! I feel so not myself! Hoe is it possible?? I don't remember anything happening to me that could change me THIS MUCH!! Why I ask.. Sadly, I don't have any answer. I feel so alone in the midst of all my "friends" or so I believe... ARGH!! Why?! Not to mention the fact that I'm still not at ease with someone!! Why?! Why?! What has become of me?? Why the sudden change?? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! I feel so "hurt" with all the "facades" I see that surround me... How can the people I'm willing to give my life up for could just hurt me this much?? How is it possible that they can't see my wounds?? Or at least the "pain" in my expressions?? HOW?!? How can there be people who actually don't care as much as they should for their friends?? How could such heartless people exist?! I hate it!! The way i feel, the people I see, the things I do, the things I write and the things that happen... How is it possible that a student as feeble as me be surrounded by people like these and pressures so great?? How does this world expect me to cope?!Bombarding me from all sides and still it expects me to actually meet its expectations?! DAMN!!!!!

Good thing... I found some people who are not like that...people who actually LOVE me... and one of them said
"...the world is really cruel...but pleasing God is what's important not pleasing them...."

In fairness... it was simple...yet very meaningful for me at this point in time...
Thank God for people like her...

Then I was reminded of this verse..though I quite forgot the verse where it's found...and am not sure of all the words but I guess this will do...

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not to harm you....."-God

Well, I just do hope that you realize these as well.... the world is not what we should conform into...but to God we must me patterned...ü

"hopelessly helpless"

May 31, 2007
12:00am

I don't know what's happening to me?!? I feel like I'm gonna go crazy any minute now!! I'm not even clear if my mind'll collapse due to too much stuff in it and to too much thinking!!! But if that's the case, how come SO empty and crowded at the same time?! ARGH!! I so don't know what to do!!! I'm in this "EMO" state but I don't understand why?? I can't sleep, well it's actually more like I don't feel like sleeping(and I also don't feel sleepy)since there are still stuffs yet to be resolved...but...but.... I can't cry, i don't feel like crying... Yet i feel heavy inside though ironically i feel empty at the same time....I don't get it, how something empty could be so heavy... I cannot resolve into anything else aside from writing it down like this...though i do feel that me words just keeps repeating themselves, I guess that's because i still am not clear of how I actually feel right now and can't put it to words properly... I guess it wouldn't make any difference if I continued or if I'd stop....ARGH....That's all I can write right now, I feel so empty yet SO heavy and most of all I...I..I feel hopelessly helpless.....


*Emo= emotional* the state in which...um...its hard to explain...I'll try to explain it in my next entries...ü

"Content"

" I sat and cried for i had no shoes, but then I saw a man laughing when in fact...he has no feet..."

These were some of the words I found as I read one of the text messages my friend sent me. And it hit me real hard! For at that time I was thinking quietly to myself and kept asking why God refuses to grant my desire... I had faith, I faithfully asked, and I even took steps on my own to get what I wanted, but until this very moment, my prayer is still unanswered. But due to the text message, I realized something. [For I have been asking God for a certain person's friendship(lets just keep his/her name as "CPF" hehe, mxdo mahaba eh...heheü) but that person still keeps going further and further away from me. Its so frustrating! "Why?!" I'd always ask... That person shows the affection I want to others, it just so annoying! Why can't "CPF" direct that kind of attention towards me as as it's directed to them??] I realized that all this time people have actually been giving that same affection I wanted from "CPF"!! And yet I kept ignoring them, and continued to seek after "CPF's" friendship!!!!!! It made me felt so darn STUPID!!!! What I've been longing for all this time has actually long been lurking around my own backyard!! It was only me who was foolish enough to ignore it....
But though those facts I clearly know (trust me I DO) my heart still feels uneasy... The longing is still there, it still isn't satisfied. Maybe because that affection is really different when it comes from "CPF", or may be its just because am so abnormally selfish that I wanted more people to show me that affection even though I have a lot already who shows that to me... Now am so confused...don't know what to do.... I now only have one resource left....GOD...
Thus for the next few days...months...years..or I don't know how long.... I would just continue to pray and keep asking God to help me be content and help me learn to accept a "NO" for an answer... But most especially I pray that He would give me that same UNQUENCHABLE thirst for Him...and that He may fill it up!ü


P.S.
I still pray for "CPF's" friendship though...heheü

written some time in May.. Sadly.. I forgot when..

how will i face the fact...

A gentle gale blows my garments along with my hair slightly back as I watch the sun set by the bay. Amidst this polluted and noisy city, I found a little "patch of heaven" as you may say. But as the setting continues in its journey, emotions of different sorts started rushing up from within me. The fact that the day has finally ended and i would at last get my rest after a long tiring day is quite comforting. Yet, after the sun sets, the thought that the city would once again be enveloped in darkness drowns the comfort away. Perhaps that's just the way it should feel, just like when loosing a friend. The fact that you know that he/she would leave for a brighter tomorrow like for a better job opportunity (or something like that) would make you rejoice for him/her but on the other hand... its also clear to you that he/she would need to leave, and be away from you for a period of time, sadly, perhaps forever. The question now is... "How would you face the fact that he/she would be leaving??"

____________________________________________________
Tough ain't it?? but to tell you the truth, having a friend leave for another country isn't as hard as having someone stay away from you but is still always somewhere they're visible.
How can I face the fact that a friend of mine wants to stay away from me?? He/she's actually gonna stay away for his/her good...perhaps for my good also... he/she would actually stay away to change his/her image at school.... Yes I know its important for people to actually notice and respect you...but how can I just let go of a friend?? And face the pain of seeing him/her everyday?????? Until this very day its very uneasy just to see him/her... But I do pray that one day God would show both of us the way to be able to reach our goals...to be accepted...and to be able to stay as friends.....

*as you can see, all pronouns describe "my friend" is written as "him/her" since I don't really want to hurt that person...For I know that he/she is actually just trying to fix himself/herself...*