Flightless

" You asked for those did you not? And now you're afraid of them? For what then have I given them to you? Let me take them back..."

These words rang through my mind as I recall the scene at the heavens, my tears blurring up everything. At that moment, all I could do was cry, apologize, and cry some more.

He was mad. Very mad, to say the least.

I got to leave with my wings still in-tacked though, He was gracious enough.

It's been weeks (or was it just days?) since that eventful day. Yet, now, I can feel the same anguish I felt back then. Only maybe now, anguish and sorrow may not be the only ones lingering within me.

Back then, I felt helpless, shamed at my ignorance, and sorry for my short comings. I was wrong. Now? I'm not just wrong. I'm devastated.

How would a free dove feel when chained down? That's how I feel. Ever wondered how stupid flies feel when they keep getting trapped into the same web? Well, I can tell you.

I did get to keep my wings, I did get to retain my sight. But something else is the matter... and He knows it too.

He's patient, too patient as always, especially with me. Yet somehow, I can feel His angry breath puffing in front of me as I recall how He scolded me. I can feel them on my nape, as I realize I'm turning back out of shame and regret.

Soon enough, the puffs feel cooler; not because He was getting calmer, but because I myself was heating up. Rage and anger, who knew these two were different, started swelling up within me. Was I mad at Him? DEFINITELY NOT! If only I could kill myself, then I would. Somehow, I wanna go up to Him and say, "Hey! Do You have any idea how much more I'm mad at myself now than You are?!"

*sigh*

But I know what He'll say, "Is there anything, anything at all, that I don't know?"

Then I'll burst into a stupid but-you-don't-understand fit only to be silenced by my own knowledge of His knowledge.

I walked away. Not too far, just a few steps down the hall.

I knew He was not coming after me this time, He will not come and comfort me like a baby. He's wanting me to grow, that much I understand. He won't come down here and give me that you-know-I'm-doing-this-because-I-love-you speech. He knows I know that full well.

I stood there. Muttering to myself. I didn't really understand what I was saying, all I know is that if I keep this locked up in me, I'd choke and die.

"Too many times, Ivan, too many times! How many more times do you plan on committing that same stupidity?!"

and then it all faded...

***

How long will you keep wearing the same chains I took off, two-thousand years ago?

– Deus, Deus vester

A New End

Light came forth as she stretched out her arms and focused on the practice dummy in front of her.

"Impressive," a man with dark long hair whispered as he neared the lady who seemed to be his age but somehow displays an unprecedented reverence for him "but not quite good enough."

He did his thing, with a snap of a finger, the dummy burned. Enveloped in crisp purple flames, the scarecrow like mannequin crumbled to dust.

"That's how you call forth flames." He glanced at the lady beside her, who now seemed more like a child than a lady.

"Yes, master." She nodded and positioned herself in front of the next dummy.

"Now focus." He said, and stepped back.

She stayed calm. Bowed her head, and remained silent. The winds of the Sahara whistled and swooshed as it was the only sound that filled acres and acres of vast nothingness.

She took in a deep breath, raised her head and -- BOOM.

"Hah," the man chuckled "I told you to burn it not make it explode. Looks like there's more to be taught."

Obviously disappointed in herself, she kept her head bowed.

The man walked towards an odd looking vehicle and started to climb in, but before he got into it, he shouted: "But don't worry, the Flames did not choose a wrong successor! In all my lifetimes as a familiar, this was the only time I saw a Warrior make such an explosion in her first day of training." He smiled a faint one and went on, "Now get in here and we still have lunch to worry about!"

The lady lifted her head up, wiped her tears, and started running towards him. "ITADAKIMASU!" she yelled.

And that was the beginning of the end, another Warrior has been chosen, another era has dawned, yet still the war goes on. Will this lifetime be the last cycle of Warriors? All humanity can only hope so.

--o--

Daru!!! <3 I was scrolling down the News Feeds of FB and saw your post

http://daruflame18.multiply.com/journal/item/4

I miss all those years when we kept writing stories like these!!!! Tama diba? You wrote this? :P Tsktsk. Emo ka nanaman Daru! XD

Oh well, here's a short reply(?)/response(?) to what you wrote! Haha. Sorry sabog yan SOBRA. Its 5AM at tinatamad pa akong matulog... Pero my brain is not functioning as creatively/logically as it should. Haha. Sabaw lang? Oh, and walang edit-edit yan ah, after sulat post agad XD

Miss you Daru!!!

Text me the moment you get to read this ah~

LOVE LOTS!

God bless~

--Kaze--

New Domain

http://theprodigalsaint.tumblr.com/

:)

Thanks! :)

FINALLY!

Things seem to somehow make more sense now... Of course, am still not THAT sure if its really the right way of piecing things together, but am hoping for it to be :)

There are a lot of things that I want to, and need to do.

I want to make it big, I want to go places, and I HAVE to do things...

They never seemed to be reconcilable, until today.

Well, of course there still are blind spots, but hey, if I can get to comprehend His mater plan... Then its no longer HIS plan now is it? :)

Three Things

ONE
Mountain Trekking is plain F.U.N. ^^ Yes, of course it was pretty tiring... Okay, enough with the euphemism... it WAS tiring. BUT WAIT! The summit was worth every aching muscle! What's more? It just reaffirmed how NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING shouts praises louder than creation! Atop that majestic mountain, I couldn't help but be in pure awe of how magnificent my God is! And that's not all... Apparently His creations weren't enough, He just had to make me realize: I was with you every faltering step of the way. If that doesn't send chills down your spine, then maybe you have yet to know how HE actually feels like.

The trip up was around 3 hours long, very painful on the legs and thighs, not to mention the heat from the ever present sun. The 2-hour trip back down was less painfulbut still it was, this time on your ankles and knees. AT LEAST though, at the third station of the mountain, there was a Halo-Halo (A Filipino cold treat, mixed fruits with jellies or what-nots, milk, some sugar, and crushed ice) stand! And there were coconut vendors up there too!


If the mountain was not enough, the beach was a definite plus! We camped by the shore, yeap, we slept in tents, cooked our own food, and fended for ourselves! (Haha, the last one not really true in the truest sense of the word.)

It was a camp out for our PE class, Walking For Fitness, and yes, its pretty peculiar how our walking class ended up hiking... But whatever! It was FUN!


TWO
PAPER CUPS!

Apparently, UP (University of the Philippines) is now taking pro-nature steps: plastic cups and stryofoam containers are not anymore allowed in our canteens!(Okay, so I'm not really sure about the memorandum that was issued out, but base on what little I know, I write.) Its not really that significant, but I don't know, somehow it just seemed like a nice thing to write about; and besides, I had this weird feeling holding the paper cup in my hand when I first bought a drink from one of our canteens that usually gave me my drink in a plastic cup. Well, I guess its just that bubbly feel that you have been part of something historic. Haha.


THREE
ARGH!!! I forgot the last thing I was going to write about =(

Delusional | Obsessed

Okay, so I actually was planning to blog about an update regarding the "430Php" thing, and mind you, I actually have somehow already composed what I was going to be write...

But then, when I focused on the issue of actually being "delusional" and/or "obsessed" ...

Something just gushes forth within me, and poof... I'm lost again in a semi-trance state.

Okay, I know it seems like I am romanticizing things, and I do know my exaggeration tendencies, but in this matter? How I wish I'm just over-reacting.

******************

My mind's sort of clearing, maybe I can right something now.

(And I have to do it fast, my laptop's battery is about to be completely drained.)

******************

Okay, so on the issue of whether it is "right" or not with Him, is still unclear. Maybe its just me blurring the line, being insensitive, OR maybe He just doesn't think that it already is time for me to know...

I'm currently patiently waiting for this Sunday; I sort of made of a deal with Him... Again, operative word being "sort of"...

Uhmmm... What else?

I guess that's it...

******************

Actually, I was planning to create a post that would somehow be able to enlighten some of my concerned friends about what I really am babbling about...

But apparently, I've failed horribly...

430Php

That is the exact amount I squandered on feeding my delusion, yes, feeding my delusion.

Apparently, its not as though I'm in the dark when it comes to me being deluded and crowded by my own desires (as heavy as the word "desire" is, I have to admit, it's appropriate); I'm not crazy (in the medical sense of the word) so as to not know when I already am rationalizing things which are usually unreasonable for me.

So here it is, one of the tangible evidences of my... hmmm... how do I put it... Obsession? (Something like that I guess...) I bought a CD for 430Php, when I think about it, its not that much for an original album, considering the fact that its not of local origins... But hey, as I have been tattling about awhile ago, I know when something I'm doing is already somehow.. "off." Its not wrong, just off.

For someone always complaining about lacking enough spending money, buying something that's not a necessity is so out of line...

Well, enough about all that... Bottom line actually is the fact that, I'm again obsessed with "something." Obsessed is such a strong word, but I'm lacking the correct term... All I know is that I'm wanting something, and am starting to border between delusional and medically insane.(Hah! I wish!) Maybe that's it, I'm delusional. Hence? Buying that CD was obviously ME spoiling myself, and in a way, pushing myself into something I'm clearly supposed to veer away from.

I can of course justify buying it, and mind you, my reasons for justifying are by no means "forced rationality" (if there is such a term), but again, (argh, why am I SO redundant?!) I know that no matter how justified it may be... it just isn't right on SO many levels.

BUT HEY!

I LOVE BEING DELUSIONAL! =)) And I mean it~ =)

Sadly though, I'm not "completely" delusional... I can still sense reality, I can't close my eyes totally... Soon though, soon.

I guess this is basically an episode of the "prodigal saint" being prodigal and trying to come back again ;p

On the issue of it being wrong... Well, its still something He and I are talking about; or better yet, its still something I'm waiting for Him to clarify~ =)

The Great Lack

It the end, great silence speaks a whole lot.