I'll trust Your Heart

Was reading something off Tumblr, and these words jumped at me:

Life is not easy at times and we find ourselves having a difficult time with just running through the motions but that’s okay.

This morning, well afternoon actually, I woke up with a heavy heart. I don't really understand why, but I knew I was feeling something wrong -- either emotionally or spiritually -- something was just WRONG.

I tried praying, I tried seeking Him, but that downtrodden feeling of being overwhelmed by an inexplicable sadness and discontent still lingered. I did a very short and quite rushed devotion. He gave me John 16:33, the verse was familiar, so I just browsed through it and went on with my day.

Went to choir practice after, Mandarin Choir practice, still feeling heavy and unattached. We were practicing a cantata for Easter -- No Greater Love, in Mandarin of course. Then we practiced some songs to be sung for the next few Sundays, and since Lent is already underway, the songs were mostly about the Cross. I sang mindlessly. My Chinese has become rusty, so I was having a hard time following the lyrics; I focused on the notes, but the way people around me sang just keeps throwing me off. I was distracted to say the least. I saw EVERYTHING that could make me go crazy and act up -- all the while missing His love signals.

Got home, had dinner, and defaulted to surfing -- that's when I read a friend's Tumblr post.

I realized, I wasn't sad, I wasn't depressed -- I was tired. Tired of the mundane, or at least of the "regular." It was a constant up and down, a never ending cycle of being in peace and bliss and crashing into sin, disappointment and despair. I don't think I'm moving forward -- I think I'm just going through the motions.

So when I was reading my friend's post, I just had to show her this video:

It was my go-to song when trying to encourage people who just can't seem to find purpose in their Christian walk. So obviously, I had to listen to it again. That's when He made me realize that I am just really tired.

The world is not where we're supposed to be -- we're SAINTS -- citizens of Heaven, consequently, aliens on earth. It's tiring to live somewhere you're not at home in, it's tiring to be waiting on when you can return home, and it's definitely tiring to be battling all the time and not always winning.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

I took a second look at the verse He gave me this morning, and I noticed the words I skipped over -- Peace, Overcome the world.

I realized, all this hoopla of being discouraged and all was just my humanity acting up on the fact that I am still IN WAITING. Nothing much has changed since I posted about Waiting; I still am dealing with waiting. It was crazy of me to just write about it and forget about the things I wrote -- things He told me to help me deal with waiting.

I am tired. Yes. I am starting to be discouraged. Definitely. I have no idea where I'm going, and what progress (if any) I'm making. Sure.

BUT!

All these should NEVER be enough reason for me to stop SEEKING and drawing CLOSER to Him.

Just moments ago, I received a reply from a church mate. I emailed him last night to share with him my post on waiting, after hearing his sharing on how he's dealing with God and waiting on Him. His reply reads:

Thanks Ivan! Encouraging post, it helps to know someone else is going through the same thing.

Yea just have to be patient. See you at church!

Yes, PATIENCE. Funny how the most fundamental and basic lesson in waiting is the lesson I forgot! Maybe I deliberately did that, I've always been afraid of the word -- PATIENCE.

God is love, and His love is unfailing. Through His love, we are saved -- and by His love, we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS. Sure, the world gets me down, I get tired, I feel crazy, BUT, I have to exercise PATIENCE. It's all part of His plan -- a plan focused on LOVE FOR ME.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

"So when you don't understand, when you don't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand, TRUST HIS HEART."